He brought you the Muschamp Intensity Meter, now The Unsportmanlike Gentleman is the SEC’s Unofficial Welcoming Committee for Texas A&M. Here is his open letter…
Congratulations! You’re officially a member of the SEC! How does it feel to be out from under the oppressive black cloud that is the University of Texas and the Longhorn Network? Feels good, doesn’t it? Here’s a bag of Golden Flake potato chips and if you’ll just bring your pickup around back, we’ll load it up with some YellaWood as a welcoming gift to the greatest conference in the history of the world!
Now that you’re in the SEC, there are some things you need to know about each of the other twelve institutions that occupy this great conference. Use this list as you wish to troll opposing fans on messageboards, twitter, The Paul Finebaum Show, and on gameday.
Florida: Thanks to Steve Spurrier and Urban Meyer, Gator fans are arrogant, smarmy, and have been absolutely spoiled for the last 21 years. They bitch and complain about an 8 or 9 win season, something, I’m sure an Aggie fan would rejoice over. Gator fans also wear jorts. The football team smokes weed. Not a little bit of weed, but like, all of the weed. Florida players also get arrested a lot. Feel free to bring up Ron Zook, specifically, the episode where he yelled at frat boys. But despite all that, keep in mind, Florida has owned the SEC for the last 21 years. If you’d like to argue that, then let me stop you right there and present you with this fact–Florida has won 21 of the last 24 SEC All-Sports Trophies and there’s nothing you or any other school that joins the SEC can do to stop that as long as Jeremy Foley is AD. (SEE THE ARROGANCE???)
Georgia: Dawg fans believe every 18 year old running back that walks through the door is the next Herschel Walker. Also, they’re inbred. Georgia Tech is a much finer and cleaner school and their campus doesn’t have the aroma of cabbage and wet dog hair wafting through the air that Athens does. Mark Richt is the best coach they’ve had since Vince Dooley and they’ll probably run him out of town before season’s end. They should bring back Jim Donnan, oh wait, he’s accused of masterminding a Ponzi scheme! Like Florida, Georgia players also get arrested a lot, but it’s not national news because they’ve languished in mediocrity for the last few seasons, so nobody cares. Their live mascot is named UGA. They have a hard time keeping UGA alive. There’s a new UGA at least once a month. They currently have a temporary live mascot named Russ, as they scour the Earth to find the new UGA (when you think about it, aren’t we all “temporary”?). Russ will probably die before they replace him. It was nice knowing you, Russ. UGA the bulldog has become the drummer from Spinal Tap. Fuck Georgia.
Kentucky: Wildcat fans only care about basketball. So, don’t waste your time trying to talk football with them. Did you know Joker Phillips is their football coach? No? Neither did anyone at Kentucky. It doesn’t really matter, they’ll probably have a new coach next year anyway. John Calipari is Joker Phillips’ boss. Calipari’s a sleazeball and is not to be trusted. Here’s a fun fact: The head basketball coach at Kentucky has the right of prima nocta in the state. You can bet your ass Rick Pitino took full advantage of this. Now, I know it’s hard to believe that UK only cares about basketball when they hired your former basketball coach, Billy Gillispie. I bet you all had a big laugh about that one. We certainly did for the entire two years he was employed by UK. They’re most prominent fan is actress Ashley Judd. More people have seen her at a Kentucky basketball game than in any of her movies. Also, they’re inbred.
South Carolina: Once a conference doormat, the ‘Cocks (I see you giggling. Trust me, It never gets old) have become a formidable opponent thanks to the Head Ball Coach (HBC if you’re into the whole brevity thing). However, I wouldn’t recommend traveling to South Carolina. The state’s chief exports are depression and suicide. Rainbows and sunshine go there to die. Also, they’re inbred.
Tennessee: Volunteer fans live in the mountains and in-between having sex with animals and making moonshine, they don vomit-inducing orange garb and gather in Neyland Stadium seven times a year to take their minds off their miserable lives. Also, they’re inbred. Lane Kiffin left them high and dry and that was hilarious. Seriously, bring up Lane Kiffin to a UT fan and see how much they laugh with you.
Vanderbilt: Nobody’s really sure why the Commordores are in the conference. People say academics, so I’ll take their word. Just leave them be with their libarry cards and trust funds and fancy livin’.
Ablamlalaba: I hope you’re not attached to any oak trees around campus. Crimson Tide fans are passionate, enthusiastic, and borderline psychotic (See: Harvey Updike). Also, they’re inbred. Albalmlaaa fans claim around 50 Nashunul Champeeunships. Don’t listen to them. And hey, you and the Tide have Dennis Franchione in common! Twinsies! Around hiring Franchione, Ablamlala had a thing for hiring guys named Mike–Dubose, Price, and Shula. Soooooo many jokes there. Do some research and have a field day with that! Tide fans will appreciate your effort.
Arkansas: The Razorbacks are always moments away from Bobby Petrino boarding a jet and leaving them for greener pastures. They’re also the only school in the conference where their fans resemble their mascot. When talking to a Razorback fan, ALWAYS bring up Clint Stoerner.
Auburn: They have the highest payroll of any school in the conference.
LSU: Tiger fans are known as corndogs. They HATE being called corndogs. They prefer to be called assholes.
Mississippi: You’ll have to forgive them, they’ve been stuck in the 1860s for awhile now and are just now getting around to righting some of their wrongs. Depending on who you ask, their nickname is either not racist and is honoring their southern heritage or it’s all kinds of racist. They recently got rid of their mascot, Colonel Reb, because nothing says racism like a mascot that looks like a plantation owner watching black kids out on a field in the hot sun. Ole Miss replaced Colonel Reb with a black bear, which is A-OK in my book because bears are cool as hell. I wish Florida had a bear mascot for no damn reason. Also, Houston Nutt has no qualms about taking a kid who has a rap sheet as long as it translates into some W’s, which in Nutt’s case, seldom ever does.
Mississippi State: Wait a minute, I thought YOU were Mississippi State? Well, A&M, I’m just gonna have to call you Mississippi State 2 from now on. Anyway, Mississippi State 1 loves them some cowbells. This is the only way Bulldog fans can make noise anymore. Years of yelling at pitiful teams coached by Jackie Sherrill and Sylvester Croom have left them permanently hoarse.
Welp, I hope this helped to familiarize yourself with the conference. This list is merely scratching the surface of what’s available to humiliate one of these schools. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. Welcome to the SEC, Mississippi State 2! I hope you go 0-12 every year!